btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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