She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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