i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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