I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
