I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
i've created a new STD.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
