Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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