The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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