ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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