i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
