Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
