It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
