I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
