I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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