I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Drunk is a universal language darling
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
