You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
