I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
