I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
