Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
