Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
