dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
