I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
