youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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