I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I am midnight drunk by noon
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
