this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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