so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
