i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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