We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
