I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
