Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
