maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize