It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
