I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
