I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
