I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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