Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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