that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
