Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
