if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
