Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
