I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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