Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
