I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
