my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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