1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
