I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
