Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Randomize
