Dude my mom stole all your condoms
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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