Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
so let's talk penis.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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