I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
