Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
