Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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