life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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