Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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