how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Who died my cat blue again?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
