Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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