Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
