guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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