I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize