I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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