my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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