I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
