I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
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