$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize