she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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