I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
