he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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