I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
